How the fuck did I get here?
Updated: Apr 2, 2022
2019 was the year I started to question everything. I questioned my marriage and what I really wanted my life to look and feel like. I had woken up to the fact that I had abandoned myself through years of peacekeeping, people-pleasing and attempting to manage the emotions of others. Self-abandonment led to deep seated anger, bitterness and resentment. I faced the reality that I was undoubtedly unhappy and had some tough decisions to make.
For the longest time, the story I told myself was that I’d be happy “someday” ... later, another time, when it was my turn. I’d stay to give our children the father neither one of us ever had. I’d stay because me leaving would mean breaking all of our hearts into a trillion pieces.
It took time, lots of horrible, earth-shattering moments and uncomfortable, gut-wrenching conversations but I can say wholeheartedly that I knew what I wanted deep inside of myself. I dared to dream of a world where we could all be happy. A world where he and I could display kindness and respect towards one another while continuing to raise our little humans.
But to get there meant me taking that leap.
Living in Southern California, I flew to Boise to be with my besties to celebrate my 40th birthday in December. I remember feeling beaten down, broken, like my light had lost its glimmer. I was so deeply sad.
After giving my sadness a moment to fall away, the time with my girls awakened my spirit! We danced and partied and dreamed and brainstormed. We made a plan that the kids and I would someday soon move to Boise.
Meanwhile, the war at home continued…
BUT fast forward a couple of months and BOOM - COVID hit! March 17, 2020, we were told to close the doors to our training studio. The world stopped. When it was apparent that the kids would not return to school in-person for the remainder of the year, we made the decision together move back to Idaho.
2020 was rough. Like many others, I was going through it. Packing up and leaving during a pandemic is crazy. Leaving 20 years of memories and the life we’d built was extremely hard. I was in survival mode, taking life one day at a time, drinking a bit too often, feeling all the feels - it was incredibly difficult!
I worked with a coach and started tuning into myself even more. I began setting boundaries for the first time, in quite possibly, my entire life!
In 2021 I up leveled my personal development one thousand percent by attending multiple Tony Robbin’s Events. I officially got divorced and I started a business. 2021 was the year I gained solid ground and began to emerge stronger, renewed, and connected to myself.
2022 is bringing a whole new level of connection, an entirely different set of eyes and a powerful, focused mind. I am on fucking fire, unshakable and out to make a massive impact by empowering as many women as possible!
It took going through all the heartache, uncertainty and self-exploration to get here and now I look back with gratitude for all of it. I am armed with tools of experience and a sharpened level of empathy and compassion for this complex human experience.
I wouldn’t want to relive those difficult moments of debating whether or not to honor myself or stay in a marriage to "keep my family together", but it turns out that honoring yourself will never steer you astray.
We get this ONE life ladies! WE get to decide what to do with it and the time we are granted. Life is too short to wait to be happy.
So, I ask you my friend, what do you want for your life? What have you been putting off for "someday"?